2008 Woodie Awards
Notes to a new generation
Wacky, Irreverent Fun!
Issue date: 5/1/08
Hey all you new freshmen and prospective students who grabbed this paper on a campus tour! I'm Hopkins's one and only Party Girl! I've been an undergrad at this school for six and a half years and on academic probation for three. I've been a member of and kicked out of every sorority on campus (Theta twice) and therefore have snorted, sucked and drunk everything you can name as well as some things you wouldn't wanna name. And I'll put it delicately: I've had more bone in me than a spoiled puppy. I'm graduating from this joint by the skin of my teeth -- in short, I'm qualified to give all the advice you'll ever need to make college friggin' sweet. So without further ado, here we go.
Homework and work in general is for chumps. The way I see it, there are enough easy classes in this place to graduate in under seven years and never actually work - I'm living proof. You take five classes a semester, pass the two that happen to be easy, fail the two that happen to be hard and in seven or so years, hey! Diploma time, babies.
Look, if college were about getting out as fast as you can with a clean record, they wouldn't call it college, they'd call it jail. And believe me, Hopkins isn't anything like jail.
College at its worst is better than jail. I spent two days in Baltimore City Central Booking last semester on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. Turns out their suspicions were right; I had attacked some bro with a broken beer pitcher I'd found in PJ's. I don't remember it, but there were a lot of pictures so I guess I owe some apologies. Anyway, the food is comparable and the administration is similar but the dorms are bigger than cells and the toilets flush so stay in school kiddos. Toilet Cabernet has nothing on Franzia except the price.
College is nature's answer to poor judgement. I bet you thought you became accountable for your actions the day you turned 18. Wrong! You've got at least another four years, seven if you play your cards right (see above), of making reckless decisions with almost no consequences. Wanna have a huge party and let people roll joints with your bedsheets? Do it! Hankering to have reckless, unprotected sex with seedy strangers? Me too! How about we climb on the roof of a private building and light trash on fire? What do you think I'm doing right now!?
Homework and work in general is for chumps. The way I see it, there are enough easy classes in this place to graduate in under seven years and never actually work - I'm living proof. You take five classes a semester, pass the two that happen to be easy, fail the two that happen to be hard and in seven or so years, hey! Diploma time, babies.
Look, if college were about getting out as fast as you can with a clean record, they wouldn't call it college, they'd call it jail. And believe me, Hopkins isn't anything like jail.
College at its worst is better than jail. I spent two days in Baltimore City Central Booking last semester on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon. Turns out their suspicions were right; I had attacked some bro with a broken beer pitcher I'd found in PJ's. I don't remember it, but there were a lot of pictures so I guess I owe some apologies. Anyway, the food is comparable and the administration is similar but the dorms are bigger than cells and the toilets flush so stay in school kiddos. Toilet Cabernet has nothing on Franzia except the price.
College is nature's answer to poor judgement. I bet you thought you became accountable for your actions the day you turned 18. Wrong! You've got at least another four years, seven if you play your cards right (see above), of making reckless decisions with almost no consequences. Wanna have a huge party and let people roll joints with your bedsheets? Do it! Hankering to have reckless, unprotected sex with seedy strangers? Me too! How about we climb on the roof of a private building and light trash on fire? What do you think I'm doing right now!?
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