2008 Woodie Awards
Notes to a new generation
Wacky, Irreverent Fun!
Issue date: 5/1/08
College is full of people who, in normal society, would be classified as alcoholics, addicts, nymphomaniacs, pyromaniacs, kleptomaniacs, rapists and sociopaths. But this is college - experimentation is the whole point. You can do, say and wear almost anything and get away with it by explaining, "Hey man, I'm in college." Try it … if you dare.
Life doesn't stop when you think you're pregnant. At any given time, I might be pregnant. But you know what? I might have a lot of diseases or various psychological problems. I've got a wicked rash on my left leg and whenever I hear a French horn my eyes twitch pretty badly. But you can't let the little things get to you. Just get out there, have a beer and live your life. C'est la vie and carpe diem and bailamos, mami!
Life also doesn't stop when you're blackout drunk. I'm not a math major but I would estimate that I don't remember 35 percent of the total time I've spent at Hopkins. And that doesn't include sleeping. So there's a lot of memories I have only through pictures and other people's stories. Trust me, this is the way to forge a personal history. If I could clearly remember everything I've done or said, there would be nothing new to discover about myself as time went rolled on. I like mystery and excitement - it's as though life is a constant game of Clue involving mixed drinks and sexual acts instead of weapons and murder.
Plus, I can't wait for reunions when all my friends and I get together and say things like, "Hey, remember when Jackie did this?" Because, no, I don't remember. Why don't you tell me about all the inappropriate places I vomited back in the day. I can't wait to find out!
Never forget, college is the best four to seven years of your lives. It's true. Look around. This little campus may not look like much more than red bricks and darker-red bricks and that's because it isn't. It's what you make it. You could spend the next years "learning" about "society" and "yourself" and "foreign languages" if you want, but consider this: By the time we're as old as our parents, the world will be run entirely by robots, and everyone will speak two languages: Esperanto and the international language of love. That's just a fact.
Look, you need to take this campus by the balls from day one and have as much unadulterated fun as possible. Listen to no one's advice, waste no time and never say no. Every time I've thought something was a bad idea it's turned out to be way more fun than all the things I've thought were solid, sensible plans. So live a little, love a lot and ask questions in about seven years.
And remember, if you really screw up college, there's always grad school.
Life doesn't stop when you think you're pregnant. At any given time, I might be pregnant. But you know what? I might have a lot of diseases or various psychological problems. I've got a wicked rash on my left leg and whenever I hear a French horn my eyes twitch pretty badly. But you can't let the little things get to you. Just get out there, have a beer and live your life. C'est la vie and carpe diem and bailamos, mami!
Life also doesn't stop when you're blackout drunk. I'm not a math major but I would estimate that I don't remember 35 percent of the total time I've spent at Hopkins. And that doesn't include sleeping. So there's a lot of memories I have only through pictures and other people's stories. Trust me, this is the way to forge a personal history. If I could clearly remember everything I've done or said, there would be nothing new to discover about myself as time went rolled on. I like mystery and excitement - it's as though life is a constant game of Clue involving mixed drinks and sexual acts instead of weapons and murder.
Plus, I can't wait for reunions when all my friends and I get together and say things like, "Hey, remember when Jackie did this?" Because, no, I don't remember. Why don't you tell me about all the inappropriate places I vomited back in the day. I can't wait to find out!
Never forget, college is the best four to seven years of your lives. It's true. Look around. This little campus may not look like much more than red bricks and darker-red bricks and that's because it isn't. It's what you make it. You could spend the next years "learning" about "society" and "yourself" and "foreign languages" if you want, but consider this: By the time we're as old as our parents, the world will be run entirely by robots, and everyone will speak two languages: Esperanto and the international language of love. That's just a fact.
Look, you need to take this campus by the balls from day one and have as much unadulterated fun as possible. Listen to no one's advice, waste no time and never say no. Every time I've thought something was a bad idea it's turned out to be way more fun than all the things I've thought were solid, sensible plans. So live a little, love a lot and ask questions in about seven years.
And remember, if you really screw up college, there's always grad school.
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