2008 Woodie Awards
Me? A grown-up? On adulthood
Issue date: 4/24/08
I ordered a couple of cap guns to use as props for a play that I was in. Like most things in my life, this was done right at the last minute, so I had to spring for the overnight shipping. (By the way, nothing makes you wish you had planned ahead quite like paying $63 to ship $15 worth of merchandise does.)
The cap guns didn't come overnight. I tracked them online, and found out that the toy company had not delivered them to UPS in time to be shipped overnight, so they would probably be one day late. Lo and behold, they arrived one day late.
I felt a rage percolating inside of me, the type of rage ends up embarrassing a person's friends and family, the type of rage that turns you into a grunting green bodybuilder.
No, I did not flip out and fly to California to beat a shipping clerk with my big green fists. I'd like to think that even in my heated moments, I'm still a rational, diplomatic, articulate person. Also, I'm a pussy.
So I sent the company a strongly-worded e-mail. Here is its most important paragraph. I think it's the heart and soul of the e-mail, and I'm pretty proud of it. Try to imagine it in the voice of an angry Sean Connery or James Earl Jones for full effect:
This shipping error is completely unacceptable. I paid for overnight shipping because I needed my order on Thursday. If I'd wanted it on Friday I wouldn't have spent over $60 on shipping alone.
Moreover, it seems that the delay was caused by either laziness or incompetence on the part of your shipping department. I expect to receive a full refund, credited to my credit card account for both the purchase price and the shipping expenses. I'd be happy to return the merchandise to you, provided that Toy Arsenal pays for the return shipping.
OK, so maybe it's not quite screaming on top of a luggage cart. But it's a step towards being more aggressive and handling my own dirty business.
Perhaps I didn't fully turn into my father. I'll happily settle for the title of man-child.
The cap guns didn't come overnight. I tracked them online, and found out that the toy company had not delivered them to UPS in time to be shipped overnight, so they would probably be one day late. Lo and behold, they arrived one day late.
I felt a rage percolating inside of me, the type of rage ends up embarrassing a person's friends and family, the type of rage that turns you into a grunting green bodybuilder.
No, I did not flip out and fly to California to beat a shipping clerk with my big green fists. I'd like to think that even in my heated moments, I'm still a rational, diplomatic, articulate person. Also, I'm a pussy.
So I sent the company a strongly-worded e-mail. Here is its most important paragraph. I think it's the heart and soul of the e-mail, and I'm pretty proud of it. Try to imagine it in the voice of an angry Sean Connery or James Earl Jones for full effect:
This shipping error is completely unacceptable. I paid for overnight shipping because I needed my order on Thursday. If I'd wanted it on Friday I wouldn't have spent over $60 on shipping alone.
Moreover, it seems that the delay was caused by either laziness or incompetence on the part of your shipping department. I expect to receive a full refund, credited to my credit card account for both the purchase price and the shipping expenses. I'd be happy to return the merchandise to you, provided that Toy Arsenal pays for the return shipping.
OK, so maybe it's not quite screaming on top of a luggage cart. But it's a step towards being more aggressive and handling my own dirty business.
Perhaps I didn't fully turn into my father. I'll happily settle for the title of man-child.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Eliza
posted 5/26/08 @ 6:14 PM EST
That was quite funny. I know the feeling of suddenly realizing that you?re turning into your parents. Question: can I please not grow up? I?m quite happy as I am. (Continued…)
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