Here Comes Satan Claus

By: Steve Iannelli and Brittany Matava

Posted: 12/4/08

There are 21 days until Christmas. On that morning you will roll out of bed to find the cookies have all been eaten, the stockings are full, the tree is lit and its trunk is obscured by the heaps of presents awaiting you. Without thought you tear through the paper to find a brand new Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV. It is everything you ever wanted. But on this cozy Christmas morning there is one thing to which you are hopelessly oblivious. You will spend the rest of eternity frying in Hell.

This approaching holiday assumes the air of love, benevolence, and joy, yet behind the holly-decked walls lies a world of sin. Coveting, false idols and murder adorn the season much like your second grade glittery pine cone adorns your parents' reluctant tree. Three thousand years after God etched the Ten Commandments, people burn them alongside their Yule log and wrapping paper. 'Tis the season to be gluttonous and greedy. Why not add on a little pillaging and murder?

"Thou shall not covet," are the words brought down from Mt. Sinai by a 120-year-old ill-tempered Jew. Yet as you gaze across your yard to see the juicy honey baked ham your neighbor's 200-pound wife prepares while busting out of her gingerbread man apron, you can't help but feel disdain toward the rhinoceros waving smoke away from your charred dinner. As your mind wanders away from your current misfortune you notice the shiny new Lexus parked in his driveway with an oversized red bow on top. So maybe your wife won't like the treadmill you bought her, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Wrong! The fact is every holiday season we are disappointed by the gifts we receive. Sure, the XBOX 360 will be awesome Christmas afternoon until you realize the only way you will get to play Resistance is to take a bitter walk next door and beg to use his Christmas presents. Don't waste your money on ungrateful nephews and in-laws. Buy yourself that PS3. Buy yourself that trophy wife. Don't covet without that ultimate joy of attaining your every material desire. And since you're already doomed to a fiery afterlife, why exercise any self-control? Anything you can't afford to buy, steal for yourself. That would be in the true spirit of the holiday.

Coveting and stealing aren't the only Commandments people disregard this time of year. Moses threw down the sacred tablets in disgust upon the sight of the golden calf, yet Christian parents throw their children in the lap of the most worshiped bearded man in history in every mall across the country. Children fight off sleep, desperately attempting to keep their eyes open long enough to catch a glimpse of Santa Claus at 2 a.m., but how many willingly wake up to attend Christmas mass the following morning? Somehow the naughty or nice list has replaced the importance of St. Peter's guest list. Somehow writing to Santa has taken precedence over praying to God. Somehow this jolly senior citizen has become the deity in charge of childhood morality.

There is, however, a solution to this conundrum. Let's remove God from the picture all together. He doesn't leave the presents under your tree. He doesn't enjoy the smell of your holiday cookies. And His punishment for being naughty is far worse than coal. Let's just begin to worship the favorable alternative. The transition would be smooth; God's cheeks turn to roses, his nose to a cherry, and his stomach more squishy than a bowl full of jelly. Hardly anyone would notice the difference between the two white-haired fogies living above us.

The fifth commandment may easily be one of the most straightforward. Yet no holiday season is complete without a few "accidental" murders. Understandably, it's difficult to not covet; it's easy, however, to keep from killing, let alone stampeding over a retail clerk. But sometimes the enthusiasm of "Happy Holiday" shoppers is so great even a 300-pound man can't restrain it. With people crushing ribs to dust just to take advantage of Black Friday bargains, Hell seems a fitting end.

What does standing in line for 48 hours prove except that you have no family to spend Thanksgiving with? Instead of receiving a voucher for a discount on a plasma screen, big corporations should give out 10 free to the last patrons standing in a free-for-all death match. Holiday shopping would be far more exciting with a machete and an Octagon.

The first commandment ends with, "I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me." You can thank your grandparents for dooming you to your fiery eternity, and yourself for being ignorant enough to disregard the true meaning of Christmas. There is no need to feel bad for eating an entire 12-pound turkey, returning every gift your boyfriend gave you, or running over your neighbor's child on your last minute Christmas Eve trip to the mall. The holiday season is wrought with sin, so let loose this December and look forward to eternal damnation. God forgive us, everyone.