Hopkins guys without any game

By: Sarah Feinmark

Posted: 3/6/08

My parents claim that they come to visit Hopkins for the lacrosse games, but I know that the only reason they drive from New Jersey is to take me grocery shopping. After our triumph over Princeton's Tigers this Saturday, we hopped in the car and drove over to Giant to pick up some fake meat and several gallons of diet iced tea. An aisle away from the soy milk, I spotted a fellow student. Ducking behind the adult diapers, I calmly explained to my dad my aversion to running into "Kreepy K." When in a crowded frat house basement, it is almost acceptable for an ungainly Hopkins male to grope a little too close to a female's unmentionables, but I was less than willing to receive a way too touchy greeting from my awkward acquaintance in the dairy isle. But those wandering hands don't even make the top 10 things that Hopkins boys do to drive the ladies away.

10. The Geek Who Tries to Bring the Classroom into Your Pants

We all read that article about how the pheromones in male sweat attract women, but in reality, not washing yourself is just gross. Don't use your notes from Human Sexuality to score because it's not going to work.

9. The Virgin Freshman Who Thinks One Kiss Means a Relationship

I'm no Joan Collins, but I'm pretty much an equal opportunity kisser (excluding those who fall into the categories in this article!). If a girl kisses you, it probably means she's drunk. Or maybe she just likes the sound that lips make.

8. Those Who Care either Too Much or Too Little about Hygiene

We know it might be cold in the winter, but I promise, once you towel off, showering isn't really that bad. Try it. Please. For our sake. And while on the topic of hygiene: you look like a hobo. Shave off that stupid beard and get a haircut. Please do not misconstrue my advising you to keep clean as a suggestion to get blonde highlights, go tanning, or get manicures and pedicures. That's just as weird. Simply try not to look a mess. Thanks.

7. The Guy Who Thinks Drinking Too Much Makes Him Macho

Boys, stop trying to out-drink me. My Eastern European blood gives me an advantage. I know you're a frat boy and I'm "just a girl," but ... c'mon. Seriously. Minus a hundred points for throwing up anywhere in my vicinity. Or in a water fountain. Or on your lap. In a car. Off the side of a holy building on an Intersession field trip ... Furthermore, I am not bad at beer pong, and "you don't have a schlong" isn't a good enough excuse for why I can't play next game.

6. The Athlete Who Thinks his Biceps are Enough to Woo You

Steroids often have side effects involving an increase of estrogen in men. I may not know anything about how much protein to put in my shake, but I can put two and two together. I'm supposed to be the one with breasts, not you. (The same goes for those who spend too much time in FFC. At this stage in my life, I would like to be the only one in my bed with knockers.) We've all had about enough of the guys who think their bods are totally hot.

5. The BME Who Thinks We Care About his MCAT Score

I know you worked hard, and as a student I appreciate the time and effort you put into studying for the MCATs, but in reality, and I think I can speak for most of woman-kind here, hearing about your high test scores is not a turn on. We've all had about enough of the guys who think their grades are totally hot.

4. Facebook Stalkers ...

You friended me on Facebook the day after I got my acceptance letter, and I was stupid enough to put my room in the AMRs in my location information. When you follow me home, do NOT think that I'll judge your coolness by how many other freshman girls you were able to friend. You're a creepy senior, and you should definitely leave me alone. Forever.

3. The Frat Boy Who Thinks He Has the Right to Have Your Body Just Because He Wears Letters

I'm Greek and I wear letters, but I know that it doesn't give me the right to walk up to you and start fiddling with your button fly. (And on that note: Guys who wear pants with button flies, period.)

2. The Guy Who Thinks You Should Feel Honored to Watch Him Play Video Games

Video games are fun ... to play. I've done my time and watched plenty of Smash. Isn't it my turn to "pwn" you? There is nothing enjoyable about watching you play with your friends. Why would you even think I would want to sit there for two hours and clap when your Pikachu figure manages to knock Link off the edge? Furthermore, there is a huge difference between an offer to hang out and listen to some tunes and an offer to hang out and watch you play Guitar Hero. We prefer the former. Unless you have two controllers, in which case, can I play the bass line?

1. The Boy Who Thinks Going to MSE with you is a Date

"Well, we both have to study ... do you want to come with me?" No. Being in the library on a Friday night is sad enough in and of itself. There is no way I'm slapping on a skirt and some makeup to sit in a study room for the whole night while you talk about your math homework. While you drone on about the probability of getting heads and solve for the annulus (I believe it's the area between two concentric circles), I'll be dreaming of completing the D-Level Challenge with someone who stands a chance.