Administrators protest student protests

APRIL FOOL'S: This article was published as part of  The News-Letter's annual April Fool's edition, an attempt at adding some humor to a newspaper that is normally serious about its reporting.

Roughly 80 administrators occupied the Brody Reading Room for six hours demanding an end to all student protests last Wednesday evening. They began their march in Garland Hall and made their way through all levels of the MSE Library before ending in the Reading Room.

While in the Reading Room, the administrators harassed students trying to study. They also waved signs reading “Students suck!,” “Divest from Students!” and “We control your financial aid!” and shouted slogans such as “BSU! SDS! You can all come kiss our ass!”

Prior to the protest, University President Ronald J. Daniels spoke to the crowd of administrators about their cause.

“Too often we are portrayed as the bulwarks to change,” he said. “But it is the students who prevent change. They stopped our pruning of the Humanities Center. They stopped our ability to change security contractors last summer. We need to take back our school.”

In his speech, Daniels also highlighted the administration’s past victories to inspire the crowd.

“We got rid of covered grades. We’ve hired 40 new administrators in the last semester alone. Victory is a possibility if we unite together,” he said. “Our ‘Live Near Your Work Program’ is packing Baltimore residencies with our employees. We are taming the city. As goes Hopkins, so goes Baltimore!”

Assistant Vice Dean to the Office of the Provost of Administrative Services of the Krieger School of Arts and Sciences (KSAS) Aaron Tutelage outlined ways the administration can escalate their preventative tactics if students continue to hold various protests.

“Students don’t know the power that we have, and I want the student leaders of certain problematic groups to know that,” he said. “I really hope that students aren’t worried about tampered transcripts or financial aid or chicken tenders at the FFC.”

Chief Diversity Officer James Pager spoke about how the protest was empowering for him.

“I was once brutally confronted with a bunch of union workers outside my office. It was supposed to be a safe space and they violated that,” Pager said. “This is a time for students to know how we feel. This is a time for our voices to be heard.”

Vice Dean of Graduate Studies of the Krieger School of Arts and Sciences, Matthew Roller condemned previous student protests during the administrators’ protests.

“One time a bunch of graduate students came and occupied our building lobby. It was frankly ridiculous, it disrupted people’s work and I can’t sympathize with such unruly behavior,” he said. “That’s why I’m out here today in Brody yelling at these students trying to do work.”

Molly Fisher of the Registrar’s Office explained that she was protesting for a minimum wage of $15,000 per hour for all administrators.

“We have to deal with all these fucking dumbass little shits every day,” she said. “Do you know how many students email the registrar about information that they could just find on the website? We deserve to be paid a lot more for dealing with their shit. Hike up their tuitions.”

Executive Director of Campus Security Robert Lee spoke about how this new wave of student puts a strain on security guards.

“You know how at all of these student protests we have some security guards lurking in the background 20 or 30 feet away? Well, all those people need to get paid overtime, and we don’t have the budget for that,” he said. “We are too busy spending money sponsoring our ‘Road Scholar’ initiative so these stupid kids aren’t run over on N. Charles Street because they are looking at their phones.”

After six hours of occupying the Reading Room, the administrators began to leave because they realized they have actual lives outside of working for the University.

“I need to go pick up my kids,” Associate Dean of Student Engagement Bethany Lopez said. “This protest has been fun and all but I need to go home and not deal with students for a while.”

Many students in the reading room were annoyed at the administrators’ protest.

“I’ve got three midterms tomorrow,” sophomore Tina Liang sad. “If I fail any one of them, I’m joining the next student protest.”

Meanwhile, other students felt sympathy towards the protestors. Students for a Democratic Society member Chester Wickwire was pleased that administrators were able to interact with students.

“You could see it in their eyes, some of these administrators had never even seen a student before,” he said. “It was really cute of them to do this sort of outreach. Of course their entire cause is bullshit, but it was nice to see some of them leave their nooks and crannies in Garland.”